Simon the Monkey-Slayer.

Have I ever told you about the time when Simon was bit by a monkey?

He was driving in Thailand on his motorcycle when a gaggle of monkeys jumped out of the trees and onto a group of school children walking along the road in front of him. Most of the kids were able to fend off their rambunctious attackers, but one little girl with a clubbed foot and a banana in her sack was getting the worst of it. Simon jumped off the motorbike and grabbed the monkey by its tail, freeing the sobbing and frightened little girl.

The monkey turned on him, screeching, clawing and biting. It chomped down hard on Simon's forearm and wouldn't let go. Despite seeing his blood mixing with monkey spit and running down his hand, Simon calmly poked the dirty beast sharply in the eyes. The monkey let go and ran back into the woods. The children cheered him and began calling him, "hua petong nga whi," which is Thai for "Big white monkey slayer."

Simon suffered a severe a case of monkey fever about a week later, but has lived to tell the tale (which he leaves entirely to me, as he is too modest to brag about it). Indeed, Simon is so shy and modest about his celebrity status in Thailand, that he will almost certainly deny it to anyone who asks.

How did I learn about it, then? Simon told me once, over a static-y Turkish pay phone, "I got bit by a monkey." My mind scrambled to understand how he got bit by a monkey in Turkey.

"You got bit by a monkey!?!" I repeated incredulously. "Where? In Thailand?"

"No, I got bit by a mozzie. A mosquito." Simon laughed.

"I distinctly heard you say that you got bit by a monkey," I replied. "You can't take a statement like that back."

Several conversations later, I put together the rest of the monkey story.

Simon has a new monkey that he is slaying right now, which is what prompted the telling of this story on the Chronicles. He quit smoking a week ago. I'm very proud of him as he gets this monkey off his back. Admittedly, it has not been the easiest thing. Anyone who knows Simon at all, knows he loved his "rollies."

So, I need two things from all our friends and family: First, root for his success, please. We need all the support and silent good wishes we can get. Second, for any of our smoking friends, please note that Polar Bear is a strictly non-smoking boat, at least until Simon is safely beyond the danger of relapse.

Thanks!